Posted by Dr Fro 11:17 AM
I came across this when cleaning out my harddrive. The original author is unknown, but one of the cast of characters, Junell, is our very own Junelli.
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Spencer's Wedding Memoirs - circa 1997
I am relating the facts as best as I can (since I was throwing up by 11pm).
5:00 pm Talk to Barclay on the phone and explain to him that I will be going to bed early tonight so we can get an early start on the road the next day. This will enable us to have enough time to go to Lake Charles before the wedding.
10:47 pm At the Handle Bar in Beaumont, TX, Andrew Spencer, dressed in a sear-sucker suit is playing pool against two homos. The homos try to beat up Spencer, but he uses his diplomacy to avoid certain disaster.
4:00 am I stumble into bed drunk.
10:45 am Wake up by alarm.
11:30 am Pick up Junell’s date, Janna, for him, as he went to Beaumont on Friday. While she packs her bags, we discuss various gentlemen’s clubs in Houston. She tells me that she likes the Men’s Club more than she likes Babe’s. She explains that the food there is much better and cheaper. In addition, the chicks at Babe’s are all fat. I think to myself, “Junell is getting laid tonight”
1:20 pm Now Barclay, Janna, and I have eaten, filled up with gas, gone to the bank, etc. and we are on the way down I-10. I realize that I forgot my suit shoes. We discuss the pros and cons of returning to get my shoes. Pro - I will have shoes to wear at the wedding. Con - Going back will cut into our gambling time by approximately 15 minutes. We decide to move onward and worry about the shoes later.
1:45 pm Junell gets his first birdie on a par 3 at Beaumont Country Club
3:26 pm We arrive at Lake Charles. We play blackjack for 2 hours. Barclay and I quickly go down approximately $200 each. Not good. As Safety Dance plays in the background, I up my bet to $50 per hand. I’m dealt a pair of 3’s to the dealer’s 7. Anybody that was in Lake Charles for Ferruzzo’s bachelor party understands the significance of that hand. This time I do not split and I win $50. I ride the streak until I’m up
$4. We leave with 1.5 hours till the wedding.
6:30 pm Get to hotel. Junell didn’t leave us a key. We have 30 minutes. We run into McAdams, get his key and I shower in his room while Barclay cleans his armpits in the sink. He says, “It’s all about the pits, Friou”.
7:02:32 pm Meredith McAdams tells her husband, “It looks like they won’t make it on time”
7:02 :36 pm We slide in the back door of the church.
7:02:38 pm The ceremony begins. I’m wearing suede loafers.
7:04 pm Amy Green walks down the aisle and I think of all the dirty things my friends have done with that girl. [censored]
7:06 pm As Portia walks down the aisle and everyone is supposed to have all eyes on her, Junell is trying to ask me in sign language how much money we won/lost in Lake Charles. I send him the appropriate signals. I’m wearing suede loafers.
8:25 pm Houston Lane tries to explain the ins and outs of the communication industry to Berkley and Jay Dyer.
8:37 pm I’m talking to Amy Green at the reception. I accidentally fart. I tried to divert her attention from the smell. It didn’t work.
8:39 pm Berkley tells Houston that she has to go to the ladies’ room. She gets up and goes straight to David Newton and listens to him explain the amazing coincidences between the Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. She didn’t have to go to the restroom. She finds Newton relatively interesting.
8:43 pm The band plays “The Eyes of Texas”. Immediately afterwards, Junell belts out his best tuba and the KA Fall ’91 pledge class all sings "Texas Fight" while the entire wedding looked at us in horror. McAdams blows a wad in his pants halfway through the song. We then sing Dixie, but none of the bartenders chime in.
9:26 pm I tell Andrew Spencer, “Check out that hot girl (Portia) in the white dress.” Andrew’s retort is, “Five bucks says I take her home and [censored] her tonight.” Classic Spencer.
10:24 pm The guests leave. I can’t find Barclay. I go inside and find him talking to a group of Portia’s friends. He has a bottle of champagne in his hand; he is drinking straight from the bottle. I approach him and he hands me the bottle. I take a sip as he knocks over a drink and the glass shatters. All of Portia’s family turns to find me with bottle-in-mouth and Barclay gives the shrug-and-point so as to indicate that I
broke the glass.
11:15 pm Barclay and I are in a convenient mart in the bad part of town to buy malt liquor. This isn’t all that odd until you consider that I was wearing an Elvis wig and Elvis sunglasses. It goes well with the suede shoes. I am standing in the middle of the hood. This hood was the equivalent to Compton 10 minutes after Rodney King verdict. The best thing about it is that I am buying two Schlitz Malt Liquors and a Dr. Pepper. I am surrounded by large black men waiting in line. Junell is in the car a little worried that I might not make it out alive. After I emerge from the store, Junell is having trouble deciding which thing saved my life, the malt liquor or the wig. They were all too busy laughing to rob me.
11:22 pm Junell meets a fat girl from Mexia, Texas. Everybody is talking about going to a bar called the Handle Bar.
12:03 am I lose Barclay and hop into a stranger’s car. I say, “Take me to the Handle Bar.” No one is there, so we go back to the hotel.
12:13 am The hotel explains that there are 2 Handle Bars. I hop into another strange car and say, “Take me to the Handle Bar.” No one is there, so we go back to the hotel. I see Barclay. He tells me to get into the car he is in and that we are going to the Handle Bar. I explain that we can’t - I’ve tried going and it doesn’t work. Maybe it was that my line of reasoning made no sense or maybe it was the fact that I was wearing an Elvis wig and sunglasses, but the driver ignored me and proceeded on. We (at Barclay’s request) stopped at Jack in the Box. Barclay went inside. He neither bought food nor used the men’s room. He came back to the car and inquired what we were doing there. Dumbass. Meanwhile, I, complete with Elvis, am behind the dumpster, throwing up Gulf shrimp. Barclay comes over to me, takes the wig and glasses, puts them on, and forces me back in the car.
1:13 am Now in the McAdams’ room, I listen to Meredith say that she can’t sleep. She just loves Sean so much and she worries about him when he goes out. I tell her that there is nothing to worry about.
1:13 am While spraying Copenhagen into everyone’s eyes, Sean tells a group of about 20 patrons of the Handle Bar, “Meredith is mad at me again. What’s new? Aaaggghhptt.”
1:14 am John Edwards asks the hot blonde waitress to come back to our hotel. She apparently told him she would. Actual quote from Edwards, "No shit Junell. She wants my penis."
1:15 am With Elvis wig on, Barclay joins a Beaumont Kelly High School reunion at the hotel. He is talking a guy that says, “Hey, you were that crazy guy from chemistry class.” Barclay’s retort is, “I like you Clarence. I always have.”
2:00 am Junell convinces the fat girl to come back to the hospitality suite.
2:15 am Barclay is kicked out of the reunion. Evidently, he incorrectly answered the organizer of the event when asked what year he graduated.
2:30 am Junell is on top of the fat girl. The bed almost breaks. There are witnesses.
3:47 am I wake up to throw up in the McAdams’ toilet. I return to my spot on the floor and notice smoke coming out of Meredith’s ears. No Sean.
4:22 am John Edwards asks Sean where Meredith is. Sean replies, “Who cares? We’re raging.” John says, “Aren’t you married?” Sean says, “Aaaggghhptt.”
5:00 am Junell dismounts his beast and everyone goes to bed.
5:30 am Barclay is sitting by the pool. He is wearing an Elvis wig. He doesn’t know which room we are staying in.