Posted by Junelli 11:00 AM
Some notable excerpts to Bill Simmons Q&A on ESPN.com


Q: After the "Entourage" episode when Vince had $300,000 riding on multiple blackjack hands and the chucklehead sitting to his left split his face cards, as it always does for Vince's crew, things worked out and dealer busted, followed by Ari kissing the chucklehead on his bald dome. Shouldn't there have been a Public Service Announcement at the end of the episode instructing amateurs not to split a 20. ... Or at least have had Johnny Drama beat the pulp out of the dude in the final scene while screaming "Never split a 20!"?
--Ben, Charlotte, N.C.

SG: I like the idea of the public service announcement. It could have been like one of those '80s sitcom moments -- Vince and the gang staring seriously into the camera and saying, "Tonight's episode was a dramatization. In real life, you should never split 10s when someone else has $300,000 riding on the table, unless you want to be beaten up, mutilated or murdered outside the casino later that same night. Please respect everyone else at your table. Thank you."

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Q: What's the real-life equivalent of trying to break up a no-hitter with a bunt single? I'd say it's purposely spilling a drink on your friend who is about to go home with a girl from the bar instead of you, because it's a weak move to pull but won't ruin what ultimately will be one FINE evening for him.
--Ross Mathews, Tacoma, Wash.

SG: No way -- the spilled drink isn't stopping your buddy, but a bunt single could absolutely stop a no-hitter. The equivalent would be waiting until he went to the bathroom, then telling the girl, "In all seriousness, be careful. You're a sweet girl, you should know he gets around." He'll still take her home, but somewhere during the ride, she'll have to mention, "You know, your friend said the weirdest thing ... " and divulge what happened, followed by the buddy being rattled (this is the part where he's fielding the bunt) and talking her off the ledge (barehanding the ball) while resisting the urge to turn around and confront his buddy (the throw to first). You can pull off all three successfully, but it's a little work and three points where the wheels can come off.

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Q: Dear Abby, I mean Bill. ... A group of guys heading to Vegas for a Bachelor party. Last minute one of the friends asks if he can bring a friend along. No one really knows this new guy. What is proper bachelor party rules? Can we get an official ruling?
--CFA, Memphis, Tenn.

SG: Well, there are two schools of thought here. Some use the "more the merrier" logic, which I've never understood because bigger numbers make it tougher for everyone to meet at the same time, tougher to get around, tougher to get dinner reservations and tougher to get into, um, clubs.

Also, you're increasing the chances that one of the following people will be involved: The guy who doesn't play blackjack but stands behind everyone else touching their chairs and giving a running commentary; the guy who shows up with $125 for the entire weekend; the guy who got married too soon and turns into a "Very Bad Things" character as the weekend goes along; the guy who gets everyone kicked out of the strip joint; the guy who orders the surf and turf or the Kobe beef for dinner, then expects everyone to chip in equally; the guy who doesn't want to gamble and just wants to go clubbing; the guy who's dressed too casually and ends up keeping everyone from getting in somewhere; the guy who throws up in the limo; the two alpha dogs who end up nearly coming to blows because they're both hammered at 4 a.m.; the guy who refuses to pay for lap dances but sits right next to everyone else who's getting them; and so on.

Personally, I like smaller groups of friends who know each other. Vegas is like an NBA rotation -- sure, you can play all 12 guys in one quarter like Doc Rivers does, but the teams that win championships always have an eight or nine-man rotation. Why do anything differently?

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Q: I am in a fantasy football league with nine guys. I won last year. That's right ... in a league with nine guys and one girl, the girl won. How ashamed should they be? Can they legitimately call themselves "guys" anymore? Do they need to wear an equivalent to the Christie jersey for our upcoming draft? Just curious.
--Erin B., Malden, Mass.

SG: Wait, I think they lost the ability to call themselves guys the moment they allowed a female in their football fantasy league. I can't even fathom how this happened. Do they invite you to bachelor parties, too? And how did this happen in the Malden area, of all places? You made that e-mail up.

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Q: What do you think your daughter's nickname is going to be on the 2023 edition of "Flavor of Love?"
--Matt D., New York

SG: Orphan.

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Q: My pick for the Greatest Strip Club Song of All-Time is Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me". I will not debate this. I will hear arguments, but strike them down like David Stern strikes down a player's union.
--Tom, Minneapolis

SG: Well, that song has a few things going for it. First, it's been around for 20-plus years -- we're at the point where it's like sitting through a football game without hearing "We Will Rock You." Walk into a strip joint and you know it's coming, it's only a matter of time. It's like the stripper's pole and the bouncer at this point. Second, for strip joint purposes, you're probably not coming up with a more appropriate title or lyrics (beauties like "you got the peaches, I got the cream"), and the chorus always enables the stripper to make believe she's pouring sugar on herself. That's always fun. Third, you can always get a laugh from your buddies by tucking one of your arms inside your shirt and doing some one-handed drumming. Always brings the house down. (Don't worry, I'm already going to hell -- it's all explained in my book in the chapter about Stoner's wedding.) And fourth, it's JUST cheesy enough that you would never hear "Pour Some Sugar On Me" song in any group setting other than a strip joint. You just wouldn't.

So I'm not going to argue with you. But here's the most UNDERRATED strip joint song: "Panama," by Van Halen. Never gets its fair due. It's just as cheesy as "Sugar," the lyrics are just as suggestive, it's been around just as long, and you even have that part near the middle when it slows down and David Lee Roth does the "ease the seat back" monologue. Brings a ton to the table. The only downside is that a bluegrass version of this song now exists.

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Q: During the big fight with Seth Green and his posse on "Entourage," weren't you hoping that Jermaine O'Neal would make a cameo to punch Turtle? Right, me neither, I didn't think about that at all.
-- Dan L, Cleveland, Ohio

SG: Good one. I also would have liked to have seen Danny DeVito and Peter Dinklage jumping in on the Eric/Seth Green fight.

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Q: After watching the train wreck of a performance from K-Fed at the Teen Choice Awards, I started to think ... is Britney Spears the Mike Tyson of the pop world? Think about it, she got on top of her game at a really young age, blew by the competition and seemed to have peaked at around 21. Then, she breaks up with Timberlake (which could be Cus D'Amato dying). Then finds K-Fed (who is a mix of Don King, the rape charge, and Buster Douglas all in one). So what's next for my former dream girl?
--Dan Soder, Tucson, Ariz.

SG: I just enjoyed that you described K-Fed as "a mix of Don King, the rape charge, and Buster Douglas all in one." Sums him up perfectly. But in the spirit of your analogy, I think WrestleMania is next for her. It's the logical next step. After she pumps out the next kid, K-Fed leaves her for her sister, her next album bombs and she files for bankruptcy for the first time, I could totally see her becoming Triple H's manager for a few weeks and hitting John Cena over the head with her purse at WrestleMania XXVI. Just feels right.

1 Comment(s):

Posted by  TheTart, at 4:51 PM, August 28, 2006  

Did you guys watch the Emmys? I would love to hear your comments!

Smooch,
The Dallas Tart
; *

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