Posted by Dr Fro 7:57 PM
Our nation suffered a great tragedy today.
The Dallas Cowboys, America's Team, lost its first game of the season.
In case you were unaware of their designation as America's Team, let me explain. Several years ago, all of America voted on its team. The Cowboys won. (Actually, Al Gore got the most votes, but the Supreme Court gave the moniker to the Cowboys anyway.)
And as if to pour salt on our wounds, we had to lose to New England. There is nothing more un-American than New England. What does New England know about America? Hell, they named themselves after England (the only country more Communist than England is, duh...France. If we had lost to the New France Frittes, I would have killed myself.)
I am not a Romosexual, but I have always wanted to experiment. So, I tuned into the game around 7pm. When I saw that Dallas was about to lose, I figured it was a typo. After all, we have the greatest team ever.
Evidently, T.O. Owens hid a sharpie in the goalpost, and he used it to write his suicide note. It said, "Media, I am not talking to anybody until this suicide is over. I have zero reasons to live." This loss is hurting us all.